My mind if like an active fire, every emotion is heightened to the point that it's painful. I cry constantly. I can't control anything about myself. Ive been disassociating in and out during work and it's like my brain just stops doing all the very rapid, high functioning things I need it to do to do my job well. I left an hour early for work today and didn't notice until I was halfway there. It's like i'm stuck in a nightmare where everything is in slow motion and I can't stop all these bad things from happening to me or to stop me from doing them. It's like someone else is controlling me.
I knew life would be like this. I grew up with a single mom and I was her only kid, I saw her depression, I saw her cry daily, stress about bills, barely eat, and I knew that was what adulthood was like. Everyone in my family is fucking miserable, all 4 of them, my drug addict alcoholic now-homeless aunt, my grandmother who lives in a trailer with only my 17 year old fucked up little cousin to take care of her after my aunt proved to be a piece of shit, and my mom, working into her golden years to take care of everyone but me, who I refuse to let her pay for (because, frankly, she can't).
I want to kill myself so badly and have for so long. I never wanted to graduate high school, or college, fuck I had my first breakdown about life at 10 years old, because I knew it would be like this. And now i'm here, and it is, and it doesn't get better. Even on medication, they can't fix everything I am. The second my mom dies, i'm ending it, but i owe it to her to last until she does at least.