And then, it came undone, one night while I was working. I couldn't bear the senseless bullshit of politics, the game of control. I was sick of the things I once saw as fun. I spent almost all my free time just laying on my back and staring at the ceiling, and I barely talked outside of what was necessary. Even the facade I put up for work began to crack. I felt myself breaking under an unknown pressure.
That's when I realized that I was fundamentally broken. All the years of stunted social and emotional development, all the hatred and pain, it had caught up to me. I had deluded myself for three years before reality came back to haunt me.
I realized that I wasn't able to love, that those essential developments to myself were incomplete and warped, at almost a child's perception of it. Between the constant bullying and neglect, as well as all the pills I was forced into taking that practically robotized my brain, and perhaps even a simple fluke in myself that was always present, I was forever incomplete, never to be finished. It should have been clear to see, all my peers were moving on in life, developed dreams for the future, while I was stuck thinking the future would never come, and never could find anything I truly enjoyed doing that was useful.
And that's when I stopped deluding myself. I truly gave up, and realized all that came with it, the despair and abject loneliness of a mortal life spend bereft of company. Not just that, either, but a life devoid of dreams or talents, a life where I have nothing special or notable about me. I accepted the hard truth that I was unlovable, and that I would likely suffer for the rest of my days with labor I loathed to carry out.
So, to finish off this long and frankly self-masturbatory post, yes OP. I am a lowly, selfish piece of garbage. I always was one, and always will be, whether I agree with it or not.
I don't even know why I'm bothering to post this. Nobody will read this worthless post.