im probably not as bad as most of you. honestly the worst thing about my life was my drug addict mother, but now that she's dead there isn't much wrong with my life, and by extension there shouldn't be anything wrong with me.
but therein lies the problem. i feel like im just such a waste. it was all that bullshit pumped into every american childs head "you can do anything" "you can do whatever you want" "you are smart" "you are talented" and all that fucking nonsense. i realized what bullshit it all was at the time, but 18 years of that shit will at least affect you subconciously.
the problem is that i feel like i could do better, like i should have done better. im constantly paranoid. i can't even talk to strangers on the internet anywhere that isn't totally anonymous like this because im paranoid that somehow even if i just post a story that's probably happened at least hunderds of times that i'll be tracked down and shot for some reason.
not only that but this shit happens everywhere. i have paranoia that people would just randomly fucking decide to pull out a gun and shoot me. the other day on the bus a man reached into his pocket to play a game on his phone, and my heartrate fucking skyrocketed.
its not only this, but it goes the other way too. randomly throughout the day i'll have thoughts like "i wonder if i killed that mothers child, what would she do?". certainly i will never act on these urges (at least hopefully) but the thought is still there and it scares me.
the only way i can even get over my paranoia mostly is just by acknowledging how shitty my life is and thinking "what the fuck does it even matter if i die because this random man on the street decides to shoot me? my life is awful and i wouldn't care anyway". it doesn't solve the problem and it never will, and im afraid that this reasoning might eventually not be enough.