Finn, listen, man, them bitches are not worth it. Look, I know how it looks AND sounds, but just hear me out, OK?
That candy bitch? She's fucking tyrant, bro! Like "Cameras in your fucking toilet" kind of tyrant. She doesn't like you or your bro, Jake! She's using you, man! Wake up! If you die, she's just gonna clone you like her other citizens, ya hear me dog? She is a bitch! She hates wizards! And worst of all, she is a carpet munching dyke, bro!
"What's that?" Well, it means she likes girls, Finn. Yes, "only" girls.
And who do you think she likes the most? Well, non other than that angsty bitch of a vampire, of course! Speaking of her, she's fucking perpetual angsty teenager, bro! I know, she seems cool and hot now, bro, I made the same mistake, but trust me after her 1500-th "Bonny left me! I am so sad! Uwu" song, you'll get pretty fucking tired of her. Like, c'mon, man! Do you really think I stole that ugly stuffed bear of hers just to get a shitty wand? Fuck no! I just got tired of her fucking whinning and wanted to shit on her before a break-up!
And don't get me started on that Fire Princess! She fucks with a damn pastry, bro! And her rap game is terrible! Like have you heard her rhyme, man! She could turn a fucking Nightospere cold, dawg!
Now, what do I propose? Simple! Become a Wizard just like me! You'll get harder, better, faster, stronger in no time, bro! You will be top dog among the top dogs! Wizards are the Kings, man! Reality is our bitch! Science can't even hope to come close! And you'll get cool wizard robe!
So, what do you say, Finny-boy? Will you be another slave of fate or a Glob Damn King of Reality?