I've been lifting for 3 years. I can no longer enjoy food. I cannot have snack foods without feelings of intense self-loathing. I cannot eat out with people anymore or else the guilt of eating restaurant food or fast food drives me to insanity. I've offended pretty much everybody I know because I refuse their food because I cannot track it accurately. I will not even drink coffee because I do not want the caffeine to potentially interfere with my sleep. I've driven away all of my friends because they think I am a stuck up nutrition snob. We've lost all contact now. I have no friends.
The worst part? I am completely DYEL and have almost no physical results to speak of. My best lift of all time is a bench press of 225lbs for 3 shaky reps. In 3 years of lifting I have never been able to surpass this. I even lost strength. Right now the best I can do is about 215 for 3 extremely grindy reps. Even worse, I attempted to increase my body weight on more than one occasion in order to improve my lifts, and every time my weight went up but the weight on the bar barely budged. In fact I am coming off the third such time. Right now, I am fat and weak and nobody believes that I have been in the gym for 3 years because I am now fat and weak and look like a complete beginner with zero muscle and my abject lack of progress has taken over everything in my life. Every day, all day all I can think about is just how much time and effort was spent prepping food and training only to have the lifts of a teenager. It consumes my every waking hour, becoming so bad that I cannot even bring myself to work out when all I can think about is how weak I am, get disgusted and walk out. all I can think about is how disgustingly pathetically weak I am. I have completely and utterly failed. I am trapped in this cycle of total self-loathing and neurosis and feel like I can never be happy again