>>11668645>>11669349>symptoms/start/familyHate to say this mate but that sounds like genetic depression, a lot of what you just described sounds exactly like me, especially the depression from an early age.
>alcohol is the only time I actually feel happyIts because the chemical pathways in your brain aren't working correctly. This is why things feel dull/grey/colorless, its because your brain isn't producing serotonin and dopamine like they should. Lacking them or the connections in your brain essentially keep your mind from having a "reward" response for when you do something productive/fun. It effectively hinders any good feelings that may come from being productive.
Alcohol stimulates those dull GABA receptors and S/D, thats why you feel normal when drinking.I suggest that you try to prod a little more info from your mother or family to see if depression is common but if alcoholism runs in your family then it probably does as well. If you haven't already please seek meds and therapy ASAP, especially since you said its ramping up. Genetic Depression is a life long battle but you can make your life significantly better from medical help.
>depersonalizationyes, this is also common for severe depression or people with trauma. Do you daydream a lot? Maladaptive Daydreaming is a common depersonalization mechanism for people with severe depression aswell
>comfort zone bullshitwhen you have severe genetic depression please focus on your well being. Beating your head against a wall only helps people with situational depression not genetic. Please dismiss all those bullshit "look how easy it is to beat depression! I did it and you can too!" memes that are rampant on facebook/reddit/instagram. They will only serve to make your depression worse because you will feel like a failure for not overcoming something that others say is easy to get over. You cannot just "get over" genetic depression. Anyone who says you can has never had it or has only hadsituationaldepression
