>>2805992>>2806313well in case you are still lurking if not i'll re post it later.
for a first time writer that was quite good, you describe things in simple ways so it's easy to picture the scenes but if anything i would like to see you expand on their thoughts.
as for the sex scene, let's say it was straight foward. i realize you don't like writing lewd, so don't force yourself to write it, that said lewd scenes can help you out to learn how to write
actions. You could also just stick to sweet cuddling without getting deep into lewd stuff after all imagination of the reader can do the rest, so long as you set the mood you don't have to actually write a thing.
on to the notes:
>"Hey, Officer Wilde, Officer Hoppes, Delgato ..."you got an extra e there
>Nick having a started to stoke a fireyou got an extra a there
" while we were, say, at hanging out at my place,"
"at hanging", is the at necessary there ? my enlgish ins't perfect so i must ask
>and she after it was done she was left the first she seems to be unnecessary
>Her movement stirred stirred Nick, double stirred, not shaken(ha)
>By then had closed his eyes and was revelling in the pleasure, head back.by then who? yes later you say him but this line seems awkward to me, consdirer adding a "he" there ? "By then he had closed his eyes"
>Judy began to lower herself downstill in her underwear, you never fully undress her, you did for nick but not for her, at least mention she moved her underwear to the side or add a line after she removed nick's underwear stating she removed hers
didn't notice anything else, hope you write more. if you want someone to preread your stuff to catch small stuff like this i'm willing btw.
