>>201190765I am curious to see just how bad things can get. I am all out of faith and hope, if I'm being honest, I've wrecked my life beyond any meaningful salvation. But I am getting a sick satisfaction from the steady descent to even greater depths. That saying, "you never know what's around the corner"? Something like that, except I'm under no delusions that things will ever get better for me. It's all over. It was always over. But hey, I'm a curious person, I want to see and know. Honestly, if I've discovered something, it's that with some time, you get used to anything. All the missed opportunities, all the angst, all the self-hatred, all the shame, it all melts away and you're left hollow; and hollow's stable, hollow can be controlled. You might even get the odd bittersweet moment of melancholy. It's not ideal, it might just be cope, but it is what it is, you know? Some people just were never meant to lead meaningful lives. There have to be loses and middlemen for the true winners to shine through. I'm a loser. I was born a loser, and a loser I will die. The only silver lining is that it absolves me from the duty of procreation. My genes are weak, my wiring's faulty; I am exempt from the genetic imperative. It all ends with me. It's freeing, in its own way. If you accept that there's nothing to hope for, then you're just killing time, and that's easy on the mind, so...
Also, I like cold water and ice cream. And I don't know, feeding a stray cat here or there, or giving the delivery/courier guy a 2€ tip, or doing some small act of kindness makes me feel a bit useful, so it holds the bad thoughts at bay. If I'm being honest, I wish every day that I wasn't born so kms wouldn't upset my parents, but it is what it is. I legitimately think the world would've been a better place if I was never born, or I died at birth or something, but what can you do. You've got to deal with the world as you find it. There are worse fates.
