in my experience and having crazy friends there are periods of remission where you are able to re-examine yourself but you also feel 'less-than', like you're not really alive and in-tune unless you believe the delusions. they tend to come from an intelligence gone awry, so to stop believing is the same as if you stopped thinking, stopped being critical, began accepting appearances and not figuring out what it all really means.
i think for people like terry who are still rational but unhinged and essentially unable to live normally, they are very aware. they know they are different and they understand why. there is just a conviction and force of thought they have that they can't ignore, so the more they follow it the more they lose touch with reality until something really tragic happens, as we all saw....
it's really sad. i'm bipolar so i don't have a persistent madness like schizos do exactly but i know what dangerous psychotic episodes are like and in those moments you are in direct fucking connection with god; he is TELLING you what to do and you realize you are only a vessel for his will.
i get chills just thinking about it. it's beautiful and i want to cry but i know better than to let myself get carried away...
>>48491888holy fuck is this actually terry? he was cool as fuck. i have an old insane engineer buddy who used to look like this back in the day too. it seems like only the most beautiful and gifted are destined to pay the price for their gifts.