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Over time, I've noticed people form concepts and notions of me based on my appearance, which in a way gives them a certain expectation of what I'll be like and the type of connection they'd potentially have with me, after a few interactions though, they realize that I simply don't line up with their presumption, and hence, find themselves subconsciously disappointed at me. Little by little, this has caused my life to lose relationship after relationship and has had people I wanted to be around of distance themselves after getting to know me well.
Growing up without a father, siblings, friends or even a parental figure has left certain regions of my brain underdeveloped, more specifically the ones associated to socializing, bonding, affection and even reciprocity, this among many other excuses and technical explanations of life's circumstances is what I constantly repeat myself in an attempt to stroke my own ego, recognizing my intelligence and self-awareness to at least try to make something out of it and not have it all just be senseless misery. However, I know in reality all I'm doing is justifying the life condition I've found myself in which is that of loneliness, hopelessness and even a progressing feeling of jadedness and desensitization from the things that once made me feel alive and curious of the world around me.
I want to die but I still foolishly keep looking for reasons to keep breathing, any basis as vague as it may seem to keep going and take the burden of living for a purpose that may justify the means, but it's all meaningless.
I'm not writing this in hopes of getting anyone's pity or having someone tell me it'll be ok. Ultimately, I guess it's a way to prove that I'm in this world, that there was a period of time in the cosmos in which these thoughts and detriments were hovering over some sentient being which happens to be me; I may as well not even be alive unless I have someone else acknowledge my existence or read my words.
Growing up without a father, siblings, friends or even a parental figure has left certain regions of my brain underdeveloped, more specifically the ones associated to socializing, bonding, affection and even reciprocity, this among many other excuses and technical explanations of life's circumstances is what I constantly repeat myself in an attempt to stroke my own ego, recognizing my intelligence and self-awareness to at least try to make something out of it and not have it all just be senseless misery. However, I know in reality all I'm doing is justifying the life condition I've found myself in which is that of loneliness, hopelessness and even a progressing feeling of jadedness and desensitization from the things that once made me feel alive and curious of the world around me.
I want to die but I still foolishly keep looking for reasons to keep breathing, any basis as vague as it may seem to keep going and take the burden of living for a purpose that may justify the means, but it's all meaningless.
I'm not writing this in hopes of getting anyone's pity or having someone tell me it'll be ok. Ultimately, I guess it's a way to prove that I'm in this world, that there was a period of time in the cosmos in which these thoughts and detriments were hovering over some sentient being which happens to be me; I may as well not even be alive unless I have someone else acknowledge my existence or read my words.
